Tim and Kon's Excellent Adventure // By MerrickM

The setting: A garage. The characters: Two fine-looking young men, black of hair and well-muscled. They carry electric guitars.
TIM: Ladies and gentleman!
KON: I am Kon-El Jones, Esquire!
TIM: I'm Tim "Timothy" Drake!
KON: And we are-
TIM+KON: POTENTIALLY INOFFENSIVE!
TIM: . . .
KON: . . .
TIM: I still don't like it.
KON: Come on, man. It's a totally non-heinous name.
TIM: It heavily verges on the non-non-heinous. I still like Puffy TimmyKonEl.
KON: Yeah, well, me too, but those Japanese chicks were pissed. We got a letter from their lawyer, remember?
TIM: Bitches.
KON: Yeah.
TIM: What was wrong with "A Jori of the Night", again?
KON: That girl Jori didn't like what it was insinuating. And then you said "Can't we find a name that's at least potentially inoffensive?" and I said, "Hey, why don't we-"
TIM: Yeah, I remember.
KON: It's a good name.
TIM: Now, Wyld Stallyns. That's a good name.
KON: Man, you are, like, totally obsessed.
TIM: I know, I know. About the video
KON: I still think we should try to sign Bart Allen.
TIM: But we've no chance of signing Bart Allen until we have a triumphant video.
KON: But how can we have a triumphant video if we don't sign Bart Allen? Look, he's the only child rock star ever to play in five cities in one day, he can spare a few hours if we send him a really triumphant demo-
TIM: You know, it's funny. He's got all this fame, and he was almost a superhero. He says he'd be one today except, he didn't have any friends in the biz. Which, speaking of superheroes-
KON: Yeah?
TIM: Guess I'll just say it: Yesterday you and I went through an excellent adventure through time.
KON: Huh?
TIM: Okay. Know that report we got to do for school? On superheroes?
KON: Yeah, we're gonna get a totally heinous grade unless-
TIM: Unless we did some research. You know, with that name and everything, you'd think you'd know a little more-
KON: Hey, my dad's a fanboy, whatcha gonna do?
TIM: So I-
KON: So you what?
TIM: So I stole the Wyld Stallyns time machine.
KON: The Wyld Stallyns have a time machine?
TIM: The Wyld Stallyns have a time machine.
KON: The Wyld Stallyns have a time machine?
TIM: Yes. Yes they do.
KON: How do you know the Wyld Stallyns have a time machine?
TIM: Well, I've been sort of. . . watching them.
KON: Watching them?
TIM: It all started a while back, when I was three. They were five and rocking out in the sandbox. I was transfixed. And ever since then, I kind of. . . watched them sometimes. You know, discreetly. Little peeks into their garage now and then, through their windows, maybe went through their garbage once or twice, sort of hacked into school records a couple times.
KON: You've been stalking Bill and Ted.
TIM: Well, I wouldn't call it-
KON: YOU'VE BEEN STALKING BILL AND TED.
TIM: Look-
KON: FOR OVER A DECADE.
TIM: Kon-
KON: That is the weirdest thing I've ever heard, dude!
TIM: Well, you're about to hear weirder. Strange things are afoot, Kon. Strange things.
KON: You said time machine.
TIM: Remember that history report?
KON: With the actors?
TIM: They weren't actors. And that whole robot thing at the battle of the bands. All real. They have a time machine. It's shaped like a phone booth.
KON: Uh-huh.
TIM: Their girlfriends?
KON: Hot.
TIM: Medieval princesses.
KON: No way.
TIM: Way.
KON: They speak modern English.
TIM: Good point. But nonetheless.
KON: Time machine.
TIM: I found out about it. And for a while I just kept to myself. But then. I had a most excellent idea. What they did for their history presentation- we could do for our superhero report.
KON: Dude.
TIM: Dude.
KON: Why didn't you tell me?
TIM: Ah, that's the best part. You came with.
KON: I did not come with you.
TIM: You're going to come with me in a few minutes. See, I thought, investigating superheroes might be a little dangerous. Some non-non-heinous things tend to happen around them. So I thought. Why don't I go on the adventure with a Kon who's already been on the adventure? So I went a day into the future, right after this conversation, and I picked you up. You were pretty freaked out, cause right now you're not believing a word I'm saying. But you adapted. And then on the trip we knew exactly what was going to happen, because you kept telling me all the things that you told me that I told you.
KON: WOAH. WOAH. BACK UP THE HOVERCAR.
TIM: It makes perfect sense, Kon.
KON: YOU'RE MAKING MY BRAIN HURT.
TIM: Perfect sense.
KON: MY HEAD A SPLODE.
TIM: Calm, Kon. Calm.
KON: Right. Right. You have a twisted imagination.
TIM: I'm not- well, you'll find out in a few minutes.
KON: Okay. We went through time. To collect superheroes?
TIM: Well, more interview them. They've all had bad experiences with time travel and weren't about to just hop in our phone booth. But yeah, we talked to them.
KON: So what was our first stop?
TIM: Your namesake, of course. Remember when he died?
KON: Yeah, totally heinous day.
TIM: And then there were the three replacement Supermen and then he came back. We got him a few days after his return, when he was doing a lot of interviews, and sort of snuck in.
KON: What'd he think of my name?
TIM: He was amused, at first. And, uh, just telling you now, at one point he sort of chuckled and said he was sure glad you weren't actually a relative of his?
KON: I got dissed by Superman?
TIM: You got dissed by Superman.
KON: Most non-triumphant! Why?
TIM: Well, you did ask him if there was any kind of romance between him and Lex Luthor.
KON: I WOULD NOT SAY THAT TO SUPERMAN.
TIM: You did, man.
KON: It wouldn't even occur to me to- though, now that you mention it, it does seem like kind of a good idea. Something to brag about later on. I sassed off to Superman.
TIM: Right. That's why you say it.
KON: So did he tell us good stuff?
TIM: Yeah, we got some excellent quotes. It's all in my backpack.
KON: Cool.
TIM: Next was Batman. We decided to talk to him in his moment of triumph, after they made Gotham part of the country again.
KON: How'd we find the guy?
TIM: That's where you came in. We showed up on Thursday the week after the end of No Man's Land, and you said we needed to be in the alleyway off Park and Fifty-Fourth at 9:13 PM. There was a mugging. He stopped it.
KON: Hey, how'd I get this information?
TIM: I'm telling you it right now.
KON: But-
TIM: You told me.
KON: But-
TIM: You also told me, under no circumstances should I mention my Robin theory, because it would make him upset. So remember to tell me that. Anyway, you also said we had to tell him we were emotionally damaged orphans, so we did and he gave us some guidance. Not much, he vanished into the shadows pretty quickly, but it's something.
KON: What was he like?
TIM: I don't know. He seemed kind of twitchy. Like he wasn't out there. You ask me, it's all because he lost his Robin a few years back. It's like I'm always saying, the kid was keeping him together. Batman needs a Robin.
KON: Yeah, you've shared this theory before.
TIM: But I shouldn't share it with him.
KON: Right. Tell you that. Oh for love of Aquaman, I'm starting to half believe this. You're good.
TIM: You'll more than half believe it very shortly, dude. Strange things afoot.
KON: Next, I'm guessing, was Wonder Woman?
TIM: Right. We caught her after a battle with Cheetah. We watched. You said, do not stand under the Lexcorp office building during the fight. Good thing too. There was falling debris. You also said, during the interview, not to ask her about her clothes.
KON: Dude. But that's what I've always wondered about.
TIM: I know, man. It's like, all the stories about her say she's practically asexual-
KON: Almost no interest in men whatsoever, or women. If you believe the hype.
TIM: And she dresses like a hooker anyway.
KON: Almost all superhero chicks do. Which is totally non-heinous, if you ask me.
TIM: It's like, almost as if she were playing for some kind of audience, like a bunch of teenage boys who want to ogle her body in a swimsuit but would be threatened by any actual display of sexuality than would threaten that twisted virgin-whore complexes.
KON: Yeah, dude, totally what I was gonna say.
TIM: Anyway, she's gave us the longest interview of the three. We met Wonder Girl, and you thought she was totally hot. After that, we pretty much were done. So we went back to yesterday, and you went off and took a bus to Metropolis so there wouldn't be two of you, hope you're having a good time, and I worked on the report, and now I'm here telling you this and waiting for me to show up.
KON: That's the end?
TIM: That's the end.
KON: Kind of anti-climatic.
TIM: Well, I still know where the time machine is.
KON: So there's a sequel?
TIM: Kon, I'm telling you, this is totally non-bogus.
KON: It's totally non-non-bogus, man. But an excellent idea. Wish it were tr-
YESTERTIIM: Hey, dudes.
KON: DUDE.
TIM: Toldja so.
KON: DUDE DUDE DUDE.
YESTERTIM: Hey, me, this gonna turn out all right?
TIM: Absolutely non-heinous, man.
KON: DUDE DUDE DUDE DUDE DUDE.
TIM: This is just entertaining as the first time. Hey, Kon, remember all the things I said you said. Or it won't happen like I said.
KON: But it DID happen.
TIM: . . . Yeah!

YESTERTIM: Come on, man. Time's a-waistin'. But not really.

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